The Downfall of Spanking, Timeouts and Yelling
Before I had my son Torin and finished my BA in Human Development I would have told you that I planned on spanking my child. It is how I was raised and it was the only discipline for children I knew. A lot of our parents used punishment as a way to parent, and it is not their fault; they were brought up in a much tougher generation and more abusive punishment was common for them. The evolution of parenting constantly changes as child development experts across various fields are constantly evolving their understanding. Let's look into why our parents generation’s three fundamental forms of punishment are ineffective.
#1 Spanking
One of the most common things I hear when a child is acting out is “that child needs a good spanking” This was and is a very common practice used when disciplining children to behave.
Well we have done the studies and the results are in. SPANKING DOES NOT WORK!!!! Yes that is me shouting it to the world. You may be saying oh no another gentle parent to unruly and misbehaved children. Also not true. My kids are not perfect and I am definitely not the perfect mother but my kids are very well behaved and mannered. Even though I do not punish my child in an outdated way, I respond to the problem (read responsive parenting blog I posted). So why does spanking not work? It creates the fear in a child and puts them in a state of freeze so although they seem to be following direction they fear the punishment if they don’t follow. In result they have later issues in life. Because we never learned to understand our feelings, we were taught you will be spanked if you talk back, cry, respond in a way that “I” the parent do not like. Unfortunatly this leads to later self-esteem problems and emotional regulation issues.
#2 Time outs
Ok so a time out isn’t the worse thing but it’s how you use a time out. Having a child face the wall and don’t talk until I say so is not the way. This is telling your child I’m going to isolate you and all your bad behavior sending the message that you just don’t care. Instead of time outs I use calming time. “ I need a minute to gather my thoughts and so do you. Please go to your room grab a book and wait patiently until I come in to talk to you” it works great it gives me 10 minutes to think of what I want to say and gives them 10 minutes to think of what they did. Then we talk it out. This is one of my favorite approaches.
#3 Yelling
Oh yelling, my husband and I both fail this one. We are loud people and we constantly work on it. Look, if I’m going to say I’m an expert in child development, I’m also going to always be 100% honest with my clients and readers. Sometimes being a parent is HARD and sometimes my own emotions respond before my brain kicks in and remembers. Yelling is not the answer. You yell, your kids learn to yell when they are mad, and everyone is yelling and solving nothing. Well they listen if I yell…. No they freeze up because they are scared and then they cry because they are scared and nothing positive is coming out of it. A firm voice is fine but yelling is not. Try getting on their level and telling them I need you to listen you’re making me feel frustrated please go brush your teeth and get ready for bed. Do this for a couple weeks and take notes on the difference it makes and get back to me.
My next blog will explain the different parenting styles so you can learn what one you are now and decide if maybe a little help is needed. It will describe the style’s and outcome’s for your children in the long run. I look at my job as a parent is to teach my children how to be an amazing human for the next generation, so I want to do it right.
Learning is key to a happy family. - Nikol